evening prayer.

this was kindly sent to me from tracy le.

Lord, You have always given
bread for the coming day;
and though I am poor,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
me safe in trials;
and now, tried as I am,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
this darkness of mine;
and though the night is here,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
when time was ripe;
and though you be silent now,
today I believe.

Abba's character.

i started making a list of characteristics in of Abba in the back of my Bible in late November of last year. these characteristics of the Lord are traits that i have visibly seen in the course of almost a year. it has brought great comfort and confidence in times when i have needed them. i will continue to add the many traits as time progresses...


but for today, here they are:


He is Good.
He is my Teacher.
He is the love that is around me, the love that supports me, and the embodiment of love.
He is Gracious.
He is Real.
He is my Redeemer.
He is my Restorer.
He is my Advocate.
He is Just.
He is Wise.
He is my Provider.
He is Merciful.
He is my Abba Father.
He is my Promise-Keeper.
He is my Healer.
He is Trustworthy.
He is my Savior.
He is my Freedom-giver/freedom-bringer.
He is Patient.
He is Jealous for me.
He is my Friend.
He is my Counselor.
He Transforms me.
HE IS MY HOPE.
He is my Peace.


"declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." -1 Peter 2:9

belief.

"I believe in the sun, even when its not shining.
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent."

-found on the wall of a concentration camp.

strength in vulnerability

vulnerability. 

being vulnerable has negative connotations. 

i have heard it described as admitted weakness. 

and considering its definition, it does not sound appealing.

adj.: susceptible to attack.

however, i have come to believe the ability to be raw and vulnerable has brought strength into my character. 

“what made her vulnerable made her beautiful.”

“Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and the struggle for worthiness; but it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.” -Brene Brown

My personal story is ridden with shame and my struggle with worthiness. And oh do I struggle. There are days when it takes every ounce of pretended courage to walk through my day. History has proved to be both my enemy and my hope. There is fear. Fear that once I am truly seen, I will be abandoned, I will be rejected. 

but the glory of Abba is shown within that.

innate in me is my desire for connection; to understand and be understood. Abba is a God of relationship. He not only wants relationship with us, but wants us in relationship with each other. 

in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be really seen. 

“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity.” Psalm 133:1 

in order for me to receive grace from Abba and from those around me, I must take the courage to share my fear, shame and struggles. 

i shared in previous writing that the latin root of courage is whole-hearted. there is courage in whole-heartedly confronting the insecurities and pain in my life. there is also courage in sharing those with the Lord and sharing those with my trusted community. there is courage in my ability to accept my imperfections-as there are many-and allowing myself to be loved in light of those. 

brief story. those of you that knew me in high school would have seen me as having my life together. I was playing volleyball, taking various AP classes, in student government, involved in my church, and mentoring young women. Yet I was filled with a desire to prove that despite my broken heart, I could keep it all together. In addition, if i convinced those around me that I had it together, I would eventually convince myself. Thus, very few people knew my heart. I was fake with others. I lacked the courage to share my struggles with other. Pride became my best friend. 

Over the course of the last 5 years, the Lord has transformed my life. He is in the process of setting a new table out of my overturned one. 

While in Africa, we had the opportunity as a team to write encouragements to each other. The responses of my teammates has brought humble tears to my eyes even months after the trips completion. Words describing me were: genuine, real, sincere. (man-hating was also on there...but thankfully that was a joke.) this is in direct opposition to my “old self.” the ONLY explanation for that praise was because the Lord TRANSFORMED my heart. there is literally no other explanation. 

this is not to bring about self praise, it is merely to shout out the praise of Abba. He does what seems impossible. In my brokenness, He is given praise and credit. Despite my imperfections, His beauty shines in allowing Him and others into my heart. And even though I feel my imperfections may push others away, there is a closeness that is shared when my heart is made known. I no longer carry burdens alone. 

“connection is a result of authenticity.” 

yes. being vulnerable does make me susceptible for attack. but I am never alone. my community, my God, carries me. 

in my vulnerability, there is strength. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

worth less.

worthless. insignificant. 

these are words i have struggled to fight for years. 

despite the constant affirmation from my loving dad, and family around me, my teen years onward have been marked by my desire to "prove myself."

I remember being told, during formative years in high school, "you're worthless." Those words constantly burned in my mind. That remark stung. That sting became and ache. And that ache became my Achilles heal. My tender spot. I cried for hours, and frequently cried myself to sleep. I spent years devoted to an "I'll show you" mentality. I resonated with songs like KT Tunstall's "If Only." 

if only you could see me now

if only you could hear me out

I hid behind a facade of projected perfection-keeping people an arm's length away and only showing my pretended strength. It brought on emotional isolation, and with it came attack. 

I look back and note that it was years of bondage to my perception of not measuring up to what people thought. It is a painful and vicious cycle. and leaves you empty and alone. 

Whether words of insignificance were spoken bluntly, "you're worthless," or hidden in an unintentional blow, "you're not the best fit," I took on the burden. 

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

Matthew 11:28-30

This is truth.

So regardless of feeling I do not measure up, I am not "enough", Abba promises rest. And fights for my honor. 

Then I am reminded:

What determines my worth? Granted, this "should" be a relatively easy question to answer. But I am dropping my "should's" and living in reality. Where am I placing all my effort to please? 

I have spent years....years...trying to prove to men, and people in general, that I am "worth it." It is a false shelter. 

Why?

Because that is where I let my deep ache be comforted. I have literally been putting a band aid on a gaping wound. And as I gave more of my heart in order to scrounge for more comfort and security, my wound kept tearing open, ultimately leaving me

face down 

on the ground

by myself

in desperate need of a comforter. 

So I let Abba into that space. Into that wound. 

i am worthless

i am not the best fit

i will not amount to anything

lies. 

How dare i let others hinder the Lord's power in me?

I want to channel Rosie the Riveter, living boldly and counter culturally. 

I want to exude peace. (less like Rosie, and more like my sister)

I want to instill worth ...because I can do it. I will. 

Each child (we are all His children) has worth. No one can take that away from you, although some will try. 

When my worth is safely placed in Abba, I protect myself from giving others the ability to immobilize me. 

Finding my worth in the Lord has been this ongoing process of surrendering and submitting to the One that made me, that knows what makes me laugh, that knows what makes me cry. It is a process of painful transformation, but transformation nonetheless. It is the process of allowing myself to trust in His enduring hope and allowing that to guide my feet, and not allowing others to determine where I should go. I see this slow transformation when i find contentment in seeking His will. 

"It is more than enough to know I am loved. You are good." -Nichole Nordman

The God that created creation, chooses to sit with me in the dark moments of my life. I am worth it. 

The God of power chooses to offer reminders of His hope just for me. I am worth it. 

The God that knows all chooses to reveal His promises and His word to me with impeccable timing. I am worth it. 

I was so unique 

Now I feel skin deep 

I count on the make-up to cover it all 

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention 

I thought I could be strong 

But it's killing me 

Does someone hear my cry? 

I'm dying for new life 

I want to be beautiful 

Make you stand in awe 

Look inside my heart, 

and be amazed 

I want to hear you say 

Who I am is quite enough 

Just want to be worthy of love 

And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me 

Fighting to make the mirror happy 

Trying to find whatever is missing 

Won't you help me back to glory 

You make me beautiful 

You make me stand in awe 

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed 

I love to hear You say 

Who I am is quite enough 

You make me worthy of love and beautiful 

Your will be done

Update #2

"Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."
I Corinthians 12:27

The conference has been completed today. After months of preparation
and a week of application, we can breathe.

Just to offer some specifics, the issues discussed were: child rights,
gender-based violence issues, education, and property grabbing. Legal
and counseling aid and information was all tailored to those specific
topics. On the final day, it was planned to offer individual
counseling opportunities. The Malawian Human Rights Resource Center,
local police, Victim Support Unit and the Village Heads and Chiefs all
collaborated to take the conference from being an idea to a reality.
Those resources, as well as hundreds of adults and youth from the
village were present.

I wish I had the opportunity to sit and share the joy in the
experience, but I will do my best to communicate.

The goal, as mentioned before, was to provide sustainable means of
informing the village of their rights and offering them aid to meet
those needs. As, an American team, have no means of staying
indefinitely, it seemed lofty. However, the Lord does far more than we
could hope for or imagine.

As we have spent time living and walking with the local African Bible
College students, our awareness of God's kingdom only extended. This
group of students, initially asked to be translators, became the
bearers of truth in the conference. Our team was able to observe
transformational empowerment firsthand. These students, at first timid
and slightly apprehensive about their role, have become
justice-offering forces. The most exciting part is that these students
will continue to visit the village every Friday in order to empower
the locals in hopes to maintain an encouraging relationship.




My counterpart is a wonderful man named Timothy, more commonly known as "Peaceman," because he offers God's peace in all situations. As the counseling piece progressed, it became evident that the men and women be split in order to tailor the info to fit each group. I, a young, single, American woman, could not give the Domestic violence cycle and male affirmation to hundreds of Malawian men. Peaceman steeped up. He not only tackled the cycle, but also shared coping strategies, conflict resolution and safety strategies. Although I could only observe from afar, his passion and charisma echoed. I do not believe I have ever been so proud of anyone.

In summary, the conference was supported and praised by those that
attended and seemed to spark communication between the people in the
village. Individuals were reminded of their worth, and lasting
relationships were established.


I want to leave you with a story. A young man stood up and asked a question on behalf of a young woman in the school. He said, "Girls in the village ar scared to go to school because teachers are sexual with them. What do we do?"


This story is often true. These girls are then ripped of their education and never given the opportunity to embrace their skills and worth.


So we, I, will continue to work to fight this.



"I would have lost heart had I not believed I would see the goodness
of the Lord in the land of the living. Be strong, take heart, and wait
on the Lord."
Psalm 23

the drop

the drop

“The most sustainable means of justice is a small drop of water; causing a ripple and creating a wave.”

This small drop has been transformed from a human rights conference to an even more sustainable avenue: Malawian youth.

Many organizations have partnered to bring about the conference: A team of 13 of us, all trained in specific skill sets; a team of 19 Malawian university students-all eager to administer social justice; a couple within the Peace Corps (who happened to be placed in Malawi and members of the Flood); the Malawian Human Rights Resource Commission; and Flood Church. It was humbling to be able to sit in the room of a highly respected organization and discuss human rights with some of the most learned minds I have ever been exposed to. The most exciting part is, somehow, all of the minds involved are passionate about justice because of a deep-rooted love of the Lord and a longing to bring what is right.

As we have been meeting with students in University in Lilongwe, we have started to realize that these students, at first asked to be translators, are going to continue to be the ambassadors of change and justice. The goal of all of the organizations involved was sustainable means of bringing social change and social justice. We have shifted our focus and are now focusing most of our energy on empowering the youth students. These students will be returning to the village every Friday to offer support, guidance, and education to those within it, so training them on the skills is imperative.

So this is what is going on:

The conference planning has quickly become a space for partnership based on the foundation of doing what is best for the people. I have been sharpened by others and have seen the excitement of bringing great minds and big hearts together. God works in incredible ways. The conference begins Friday (PRAY!) and we have spent the past few days in training and are slowly piecing together the most effective way to offer education. We have one more full day of training to go in which we are setting up the schedule of events. When I say we, I mean, our small team, the Malawian youth (19 University students), George (brilliant sweet man with kind eyes), Sean (Flood Malawi Pastor), Tom (Another Flood pastor), and the MHRRC.  It has been powerful to partner all sorts of knowledge and see the passion rise within the eyes of the students.

The conference will begin with training the local village leaders (including the Chief, the TA, several government members, local law enforcement, counselors, etc.), which will be about 100 people. The training will be a bit more intensive and the US team has been asked to remain the point people for the lecture pieces. (the students didn’t feel quite comfortable with that)

The second part of the conference will be held for possibly over 500 people. We are prepared, and hoping, to empower the students to take ownership of the conference and teach wherever their passions lie. However, the students are concerned it will have more of a jump start coming from the US team. (we are working it out).

It has been overwhelming to see prayers answered. At first I was hesitant to be a part of this trip because I was not sure how sustainable the goal would be. Yet, seeing God work in the midst of all of this has been life-changing. I am reminded at how small my life is, and how unimportant I am, yet how dearly He loves me and has given me my passion for life and justice. He is molding in a direction I am completely unclear of. God HAS been affirming my direction of therapy! Praise the Lord!

Current prayers: Personally, sleep has been plagued by nightmares and painful reminders of things I want to steer clear of. It could be due to my medicine, but my very being needs rest. I also want to tangibly serve my team, so pray I find avenues to do so. (I am not as intuitive as you would believe.)

For the conference: Fuel is scarce, almost impossible to find. If we do not have fuel, we have no conference. Pray the Lord provides the fuel to send us. Also, pray that the teams continue to strive toward the goal of empowering and serving, both the US and Malawian teams.

I love you all.

Fun Note! We attended a traditional Malawian wedding! We danced for hours and threw money at the bride. (its tradition). We are celebrating Malawian independence day tomorrow after a wonderful 4^th of July!

life is worth living when you live in community. 

and so it begins...

the trip has officially started. granted, many of our team members have been mentally prepared for months. I, however, am now joining the bandwagon. as i sat in prayer and preparation on the flight to DC, a flood of emotion swept in. im going to africa. IM going to africa. He led me here, and although i feel unprepared and insufficient, in obedience i acted, so in obedience i will serve. regardless of what may come. i voiced to danielle that i felt like a child who is being given a big hug from a loving father, but i have been unwilling to give into the softness of his arms, so my rigid stubbornness keeps me from ultimate surrender. but im working on it...

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he RESTORES my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."
Psalm 23: 2-3

this is my hope and prayer. i long to see His restoration. whether in myself, or within those around me. i firmly believe that our very being longs to see restoration and reconciliation because it its God's fingerprint on our lives. However, because our world is not His perfect kingdom, we wait in anticipation for ultimate restoration to occur.

Casey gave me a book that a profound quote within it that sustained me for a while. "the most difficult time is the time between God's promises and their fulfillment." it is in those times that i am called to praise, regardless of how difficult it may be. we wait for restoration.

i believe this to be the theme of the trip for me. I am longing to see pictures of His kingdom, through the empowerment and encouragement of His people, both within our US team and within the Malawian community...all the while remembering:

"for it is God who works IN YOU to will and to act according to his good purpose."
Philippians 2:13

i believe we are fully open to that, because most of us are shattered glass, waiting to be refined.

in hopes and prayers

prayer.

an integrated part of my life.

as i begin this next step marked by feelings of inadequacy but an open heart, i wanted to take the time to share specific prayers for the trip in case you want to keep me in mind.

im praying that the Lord would work in and through our team and the Malawian leadership team as well. that our words, actions, and support would be in genuine desire to empower people and build community.

im praying that brokenness would be shared, and that God's promises would be revealed.

im praying that people would, no matter the avenue, be reminded of their worth.

im praying that long standing relationship be built.

im praying that we all see the goodness of the Lord.


as for me...
my heart continues to grow in knowledge and depth for Him, yet is still in a state of waiting. im praying that the Lord would affirm my decision for graduate school
that He would work through my brokenness, being the strength where i have none
that my story would be used to serve Him
that i would see His kingdom

thank you, all of you, that have supported me along this journey, as we strive to instill hope.

with open hands

with open hands...

stewardship, careful responsibility. 

my dad is my imperfect hero. i know he has flaws; sometimes he has a short temper when i do things wrong, but his life is characterized by grace, devotion, and generosity. 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

i was once told that the posture of a servant is a posture of open hands. when i clench life tightly, i grapple and grasp on to things that the Lord knows i do not need. when i live my life in a state of willingness to give, i allow Abba to use what He has given me. 

my dad has set this example my entire life. not only with finances, but with his life. 

yesterday was an overwhelming day. as i began to process the monetary need of the trip to Africa,  my stress level quickly rose. in the middle of the hustle and bustle of my favorite coffee stop, i called the man that makes all my earthly problems seem manageable--my dad. 

financially, i am still behind on fundraising for my trip. it was one of the most humbling moments because i was unable to take care and provide for myself. i am solely relying on those around me to allow me to engage in something that i believe the Lord has called me to. i felt the burden. 

then my dad spoke up. “sweetheart, don’t worry about it. we have you covered.” i quickly voiced my disapproval. he then hushed me with, “it’s not my money, babe. its God’s. i have no problem giving it to you.” he didn’t know, but i began to cry. 

generosity. this man has lived his life with hands open, always willing to give, and never claiming anything as his own. and i get to be the constant receiver in that...

thankfully this example was affirmed by my relationships with Nate and then with Greg. they never failed to offer generosity and never sought after entitlement. 

“If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him. How can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”

1 John 3:17

as i think about the verse, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” and then look at my financial statements, it is evident that i value coffee. 

but the coffee indicates the time that i spend in coffee shops, WITH other people. 

generosity is not limited to finances. although, God does want us to be open with them. generosity can apply to giving of time, of resources,  of talents, of words of encouragement. generosity seeks to share freely without asking anything in return. 

i give what i can because nothing is mine to claim. my money is His, my talents are His, my story is His. 

so i share. 

i share because He has shared with me. when i give out of an overflow of gratitude for all of His provisions, i am giving joyfully. 

it is not mine to claim, but it is His to give. 

reflections of a year...

reflections of a year

it has been one year since i left the comfort of Point Loma Nazarene and entered into the harsh world of reality. Realistically, this time has been marked by God showing me His role as Provider. 

I will not say that the journey has been easy, as that would be a lie. But I was recently reading and this struck me:

“Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’”

John 11:40

Seeing God’s glory. And in that, finding contentment in what I have seen. 

I had no plans post graduation. I had a few floating ideas but mainly wanted to survive. When I was offered a position at a summer camp, I never thought that it had the power to invade my heart. Looking back, had God not intervened when I wanted to run, I would not have the blessings of Miss H and Diva C in my life, nor the sheer joy of their presence and the presence of many other dearly loved children.

From moments of elation to long afternoons of tears, Abba taught me how to love, and love selflessly. There were days when I felt that every pore within me was leaking with it, yet most days, I struggled to be patient and kind. I clung to the promise that we are all His children, with whom He takes delight. Despite the fact that some days I am covered in my kid’s snot or throw up, I have been entrusted with the care of these children, treasured by my Father, and I have grown to love each child for who she is. 

This life is not about me or anything I accomplish. This life is about loving and serving. I spend every day ensuring children of their significance. And although I have limited monetary funds, I am rich. 

Richness extends not only to my occupation, but also to my friends. God, as my provider, blessed me with incredible women whose lives are based in faith. These women are women I am honored to call friends. And although I felt as though, at times, I was too much to carry, their love only strengthened. For that I am eternally grateful. Life in community is, at its core, good.

“He has showed you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Micah 6:8

Within the last year, I have learned the importance of not only appreciating where the Lord has me, but cherishing it. I love to live life, and I believe it live it passionately. Part of this great call in Micah is living everyday in a state of grace and contentment. Striving for what is good, but never neglecting to learn in all situations. 

For Rachel, Robino, Papa B, Maddie, Lynn, Lauren, the families, Gingy, Linds, Brit Stew, Bcann (princess), TLe, Traceroomie, Megan, Soph, Shelb, Shelly, Deedee, Nicole, Kel, Kelwellsy, Kari, Les, Craig, Ken, Kels, Jason, Corb, Greg, Caroline, Stephen, Matt, my girls from Nease, and there are many more, but it would go on forever--I would not be the woman I am if not for your presence in my life in the last year.

In one year, I have: 

completed 2 life goals (finishing college and running a marathon)

learned how to cook my favorite meal

fallen in and chosen to love

spent 2 hours in silence on the cliffs-this should have been a life goal, it was a miracle really

endured a broken heart

undergone the grieving process

started a life goal (graduate school)

been awakened to the fact that God’s Word was written and written for me and is alive

sang a song in public

learned how to shoot a gun

became a regular at a coffee shop

made unexpected friends

started my blog

was programmed into one of my kid’s computer

received reconciliation and restoration in situations where the Lord’s timing was perfect

cried a lot

laughed more

and surrendered to the promise that i WILL see the goodness of the Lord as His promises are fulfilled. 

all in all, its been a good year, a year worth living. a year i feel i lived well.

malawi

here is my heart.

I had no intention of going to Africa, in fact I told God I would go anywhere BUT Africa. Now I can laugh about it. 

My passion has always been injustice, although it did take me 22 years to understand that. The Kingdom moments that I mentioned in the previous blog served as springboards for this revelation. My personal life story has also given me a heart for women and children in any abuse settings. I long to be an advocate for people and to restore worth to those that would otherwise be void of it. If I get to take part in restoring the innocence of a child, my life has been lived well. Hence why I have chosen to go to graduate school for Marriage and Family Therapy. 

Whether you are a believer or not, we can all recognize the importance of bringing justice. 

I, along with a small team, get to take part in bringing justice to a local justice center in Malawi. The team will be split into 3 sub teams: pastoral, legal, and counseling. The teams will provide intensive training on skills pertaining to the specific needs of the community. 

I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

  

A trip like this cannot take place without the support of those around me. As many of you know, the transition from college to post college has been difficult. Having your thoughts and prayers means so much to me. In addition, the total cost of the trip is $4000, which sadly I do not have the funds for. 

One final request, if you feel led to give and want to partner with me, please feel free to send financial support in the labeled envelopes and make the checks payable to FLOOD. There is also the option to give online at http://DIVEintoFLOOD.com/give. Registering for an account will ensure tax receipts. The code for my team is MA711RW. My name will pop up on the drop down. 

$5, $10 or even more would help me greatly. 

Thank you ahead of time for your thoughts and prayers. Feel free to continue to follow me on my blog. I hope to share my experiences with you!

thank you for your love and support, i need it. 

The Lord's Prayer becomes mine...

The Lord’s Prayer becomes mine...

I spent 2 years refusing to say the Lord’s prayer. I did not understand the implications of it, but understood that asking for the Kingdom of God to come to earth was a substantial request. I promised myself that I would not utter those words until I understood the gravity of their meaning.

“Our Father (Abba) in Heaven,

Hallowed (honored, blessed) is Your name (that I carry).

Let the things of heaven, the beauty of restoration come to earth as it is in heaven, let us bring them.

We ask for provision of our daily needs.

Please forgive us for the wrongs we have done, and help us to forgive others.

Please protect us, and steer us from temptation and doubt,

but deliver us from the evil one.

For Yours is the Kingdom forever.

Amen.” 

Matthew 6: 9-12 (but its adapted into my own words...whoops)

This prayer has the power to transform every step I take. 

Even in the opening line, “Our Father”, my father. He is my Abba, my Father and that is a vivid depiction of the intimacy He calls me to. And in that, to be assured that as His daughter, He takes delight in me, in addressing Him as His child.

“for you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship (daughter). And by him we cry “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”

romans 8:15-16

I am His daughter. I carry His name. 

“for this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom ihs whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.”

ephesians 3:14-15

My identity cannot be compartmentalized so that I am removed from His name, just as my name cannot be changed depending on my lifestyle or mood.

I hold tremendous responsibility. As I walk through life, am I wearing His name well? 

Am I encouraging others to wear His name well? 

“for you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.” 

ephesians 5:8-10

The Kingdom piece. I cannot, and will not consolidate 2 years of research into a small portion of a message. But I will explore the importance of it. 

When I ask for the Kingdom of heaven to come to earth, I am asking for pieces of restoration and hope to be visible to others and to myself. I am asking for God to make right what the world has made wrong.

I have 2 moments that I call my Kingdom moments: Once in Honduras and once in India. I am not saying that the Lord only provides Kingdom moments abroad, God just knew my heart and knew how to bless me. 

While on a trip to Honduras, I, along with my family, had the opportunity to visit a brand new school for children with special needs. This was unheard of in Honduras. As I walked through the door of the school, I was overwhelmed with tears of joy. I could not contain myself. God had restored hope and worth to these children that would otherwise be void of either. Children that would have been shoved to the side were receiving care and education. Their needs were being met. THIS is God’s Kingdom. 

The second Kingdom moment took place in India. I, along with my team, visited a restoration center for women and children rescued from red light districts in India. Again, my heart swelled with the beauty of the picture of heaven I was able to observe. Women and children that would otherwise receive carelessness and live in despair, were being told how beautiful and worthwhile they are. 

God’s Kingdom makes right what the world has made wrong. God’s plan, His intent, is to bring restoration and reconciliation to ALL of His children. 


When I am asking for the Kingdom of heaven to come to earth, I am asking God to bring pieces of hope and reminders of His promises. And I strive to wear His name well enough to help bring that as well. 

Why would I keep myself from asking for that?

weary

Transitions and change bring about emotional and physical stress. Transformation is not a magical process in which we awake to find ourselves a brighter image of the God we love. No, it is a constant pruning, a work in progress.

I find myself voicing feelings of weariness. This is not congruent with the woman God made me. But it is a result of my mind constantly working, trying to make sense of the world around me. 

so i stop.

"come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

rest. a word I crave.

"He leads me beside still waters, and restores my soul."

If I truly Trust the Lord with the situations and relationships around me, I am able to surrender them, to resist the overwhelming power that they could hold in my life. to surrender....even Jesus struggled through it. 

Mark 14: 35-36

“And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

Jesus, the perfect example, asked God to remove his trial, his insurmountable obstacle, but chose to submit to the Father he loved and trusted. In surrender, I choose to walk each day knowing that He has a purpose for me; He has a plan. I choose to say “not my will, but Yours be done.” 

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Gal 6:9

Although I cannot constantly see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am promised that the Lord will make me of use if I continue to seek Him and live courageously. Do not lose heart. The Latin root of courage is whole-hearted. 

Abba gives such life-giving opportunities every single day. If I allow myself to see them, I'm taking heart. I'm living courageously.

i surrender, i surrender, to You.

use me Lord, use me. 

Soil

This beautiful passage was written by a wonderful friend, Kelly Wells. A woman that has allowed God to transform and mold her in painful ways.

"The seeds were planted 18 months ago, and the Lord needed to churn the soil of my heart and provide fresh water in order to soften it. Then--and only then--could I recieve the seeds that I am designed to grow.

 

My soil is different from my neighbor's garden. While I may be preparing for oranges, the woman on my right may be getting ready for peaches. While my soil may be soaking in water and the seed grow under ground where no one can see, the garden from the woman on my left may already be sprouting greens. And when I look at the garden across from me, she has been cultivating longer than I so the Lord uses her beautiful blossoms as a visual encouragement to me--that someday I may be where she has patiently and faithfully waited to arrive.

 

We each have an individual garden, and our fruit and season of that gardening is incomparable to our neighbors'. Yet the Gardener sees the value and purpose in EACH ONE; He understands the season of the individual and puts the correct ingredients to specifically help each soil where SHE is at. He sees the beautiful potential in each fruit, and the different nutrients that fruit will bear to the ones who eat it.

 

I must therefore trust the Gardener...trust the amount of rain He provides and the time spent churning the soil. For He knows the fruit I am meant to bear."

watch me

resilience

resilience

the ability to grow in difficult circumstances.
I love this word. I heard that every experience has the power to create an opportunity to grow: YOU decide whether to let it happen to you, or to take from it. 

As a Christ-follower, we are called to live each day in a state of resilience. The book of James takes on a whole new meaning when I experience pain of any sort. (read it) Choose joy? Even when life seems unbearable?
But I believe its deeper than a joyful state of mind. Joy is more than forced smiles and the false illusion that I need to hold things together. Joy is the decision to experience trial and CHOOSE to trust in a hope that extends far beyond the immediate pain. A hope that is promised even in the Old Testament.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. And when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me." 

And this hope never changes, this promise never ceases because our God is consistent.

I spent a long time studying the book of James in order to learn what putting hope in the Lord meant. I still have not mastered it, and I still struggle with actually putting hope in the Lord. If i'm honest with myself, I have spent years putting my hope in other things, whether it be relationships, joys, awards, or even school. 

God promises to do infinitely more than i could ask or imagine. He has plans for me, you, specifically. I was not created to live in the shadow of a good man. Granted, someday I hope to share my life with a good man, but i need to stand alone as a good woman first. When i say "good", i mean a woman in a "constant state of God-transformation good." 

Theres this cheesy broadway song called "watch me soar," it would be my dream to sing it on an open stage. The message is powerful. "I'm not the young girl you once knew. I'm now a woman standing in front of you." "You've given me love, you've given me trials, I've given you tears, I've given my heart for so many years. Now its my time to soar."

God ultimately is that catalyst to freedom and the ability to soar. the excitement of new possibilities. He is the provider of a hope that endures....

A hope that all things, all pain, can be redeemed and put to use. If I take the time to look at my own life, I would not have the passions I have, or the desire to serve the Lord had I not been through a pit of hell. God has transformed that area of my life. Through that transformation, I can offer grace and receive peace from a situation that 4 years ago was void of both. 


I'm kicking myself by having a "prove it" conversation with Abba about His role as the true and only healer. In past relationships, pain has been eased by the presence of another relationship better suited to me. This time I have been asking God to be the source of healing, void of shortcuts. 


I do this becasue I want to be able to boldly proclaim that the Lord is the only reason my heart is full. I'm not there yet, but I desperately want to be. I am tired of hurting. I am weary. But if I am going to share that He does offer restoration, I want to confidently experience it. 


"You see all my pain, and cry over it for hours until I'm new again. You make me new." 


The promise of being new allows me to be resilient. well, for today.