reflections of a year...

reflections of a year

it has been one year since i left the comfort of Point Loma Nazarene and entered into the harsh world of reality. Realistically, this time has been marked by God showing me His role as Provider. 

I will not say that the journey has been easy, as that would be a lie. But I was recently reading and this struck me:

“Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’”

John 11:40

Seeing God’s glory. And in that, finding contentment in what I have seen. 

I had no plans post graduation. I had a few floating ideas but mainly wanted to survive. When I was offered a position at a summer camp, I never thought that it had the power to invade my heart. Looking back, had God not intervened when I wanted to run, I would not have the blessings of Miss H and Diva C in my life, nor the sheer joy of their presence and the presence of many other dearly loved children.

From moments of elation to long afternoons of tears, Abba taught me how to love, and love selflessly. There were days when I felt that every pore within me was leaking with it, yet most days, I struggled to be patient and kind. I clung to the promise that we are all His children, with whom He takes delight. Despite the fact that some days I am covered in my kid’s snot or throw up, I have been entrusted with the care of these children, treasured by my Father, and I have grown to love each child for who she is. 

This life is not about me or anything I accomplish. This life is about loving and serving. I spend every day ensuring children of their significance. And although I have limited monetary funds, I am rich. 

Richness extends not only to my occupation, but also to my friends. God, as my provider, blessed me with incredible women whose lives are based in faith. These women are women I am honored to call friends. And although I felt as though, at times, I was too much to carry, their love only strengthened. For that I am eternally grateful. Life in community is, at its core, good.

“He has showed you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Micah 6:8

Within the last year, I have learned the importance of not only appreciating where the Lord has me, but cherishing it. I love to live life, and I believe it live it passionately. Part of this great call in Micah is living everyday in a state of grace and contentment. Striving for what is good, but never neglecting to learn in all situations. 

For Rachel, Robino, Papa B, Maddie, Lynn, Lauren, the families, Gingy, Linds, Brit Stew, Bcann (princess), TLe, Traceroomie, Megan, Soph, Shelb, Shelly, Deedee, Nicole, Kel, Kelwellsy, Kari, Les, Craig, Ken, Kels, Jason, Corb, Greg, Caroline, Stephen, Matt, my girls from Nease, and there are many more, but it would go on forever--I would not be the woman I am if not for your presence in my life in the last year.

In one year, I have: 

completed 2 life goals (finishing college and running a marathon)

learned how to cook my favorite meal

fallen in and chosen to love

spent 2 hours in silence on the cliffs-this should have been a life goal, it was a miracle really

endured a broken heart

undergone the grieving process

started a life goal (graduate school)

been awakened to the fact that God’s Word was written and written for me and is alive

sang a song in public

learned how to shoot a gun

became a regular at a coffee shop

made unexpected friends

started my blog

was programmed into one of my kid’s computer

received reconciliation and restoration in situations where the Lord’s timing was perfect

cried a lot

laughed more

and surrendered to the promise that i WILL see the goodness of the Lord as His promises are fulfilled. 

all in all, its been a good year, a year worth living. a year i feel i lived well.

malawi

here is my heart.

I had no intention of going to Africa, in fact I told God I would go anywhere BUT Africa. Now I can laugh about it. 

My passion has always been injustice, although it did take me 22 years to understand that. The Kingdom moments that I mentioned in the previous blog served as springboards for this revelation. My personal life story has also given me a heart for women and children in any abuse settings. I long to be an advocate for people and to restore worth to those that would otherwise be void of it. If I get to take part in restoring the innocence of a child, my life has been lived well. Hence why I have chosen to go to graduate school for Marriage and Family Therapy. 

Whether you are a believer or not, we can all recognize the importance of bringing justice. 

I, along with a small team, get to take part in bringing justice to a local justice center in Malawi. The team will be split into 3 sub teams: pastoral, legal, and counseling. The teams will provide intensive training on skills pertaining to the specific needs of the community. 

I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

  

A trip like this cannot take place without the support of those around me. As many of you know, the transition from college to post college has been difficult. Having your thoughts and prayers means so much to me. In addition, the total cost of the trip is $4000, which sadly I do not have the funds for. 

One final request, if you feel led to give and want to partner with me, please feel free to send financial support in the labeled envelopes and make the checks payable to FLOOD. There is also the option to give online at http://DIVEintoFLOOD.com/give. Registering for an account will ensure tax receipts. The code for my team is MA711RW. My name will pop up on the drop down. 

$5, $10 or even more would help me greatly. 

Thank you ahead of time for your thoughts and prayers. Feel free to continue to follow me on my blog. I hope to share my experiences with you!

thank you for your love and support, i need it. 

The Lord's Prayer becomes mine...

The Lord’s Prayer becomes mine...

I spent 2 years refusing to say the Lord’s prayer. I did not understand the implications of it, but understood that asking for the Kingdom of God to come to earth was a substantial request. I promised myself that I would not utter those words until I understood the gravity of their meaning.

“Our Father (Abba) in Heaven,

Hallowed (honored, blessed) is Your name (that I carry).

Let the things of heaven, the beauty of restoration come to earth as it is in heaven, let us bring them.

We ask for provision of our daily needs.

Please forgive us for the wrongs we have done, and help us to forgive others.

Please protect us, and steer us from temptation and doubt,

but deliver us from the evil one.

For Yours is the Kingdom forever.

Amen.” 

Matthew 6: 9-12 (but its adapted into my own words...whoops)

This prayer has the power to transform every step I take. 

Even in the opening line, “Our Father”, my father. He is my Abba, my Father and that is a vivid depiction of the intimacy He calls me to. And in that, to be assured that as His daughter, He takes delight in me, in addressing Him as His child.

“for you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship (daughter). And by him we cry “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”

romans 8:15-16

I am His daughter. I carry His name. 

“for this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom ihs whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.”

ephesians 3:14-15

My identity cannot be compartmentalized so that I am removed from His name, just as my name cannot be changed depending on my lifestyle or mood.

I hold tremendous responsibility. As I walk through life, am I wearing His name well? 

Am I encouraging others to wear His name well? 

“for you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.” 

ephesians 5:8-10

The Kingdom piece. I cannot, and will not consolidate 2 years of research into a small portion of a message. But I will explore the importance of it. 

When I ask for the Kingdom of heaven to come to earth, I am asking for pieces of restoration and hope to be visible to others and to myself. I am asking for God to make right what the world has made wrong.

I have 2 moments that I call my Kingdom moments: Once in Honduras and once in India. I am not saying that the Lord only provides Kingdom moments abroad, God just knew my heart and knew how to bless me. 

While on a trip to Honduras, I, along with my family, had the opportunity to visit a brand new school for children with special needs. This was unheard of in Honduras. As I walked through the door of the school, I was overwhelmed with tears of joy. I could not contain myself. God had restored hope and worth to these children that would otherwise be void of either. Children that would have been shoved to the side were receiving care and education. Their needs were being met. THIS is God’s Kingdom. 

The second Kingdom moment took place in India. I, along with my team, visited a restoration center for women and children rescued from red light districts in India. Again, my heart swelled with the beauty of the picture of heaven I was able to observe. Women and children that would otherwise receive carelessness and live in despair, were being told how beautiful and worthwhile they are. 

God’s Kingdom makes right what the world has made wrong. God’s plan, His intent, is to bring restoration and reconciliation to ALL of His children. 


When I am asking for the Kingdom of heaven to come to earth, I am asking God to bring pieces of hope and reminders of His promises. And I strive to wear His name well enough to help bring that as well. 

Why would I keep myself from asking for that?

weary

Transitions and change bring about emotional and physical stress. Transformation is not a magical process in which we awake to find ourselves a brighter image of the God we love. No, it is a constant pruning, a work in progress.

I find myself voicing feelings of weariness. This is not congruent with the woman God made me. But it is a result of my mind constantly working, trying to make sense of the world around me. 

so i stop.

"come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

rest. a word I crave.

"He leads me beside still waters, and restores my soul."

If I truly Trust the Lord with the situations and relationships around me, I am able to surrender them, to resist the overwhelming power that they could hold in my life. to surrender....even Jesus struggled through it. 

Mark 14: 35-36

“And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

Jesus, the perfect example, asked God to remove his trial, his insurmountable obstacle, but chose to submit to the Father he loved and trusted. In surrender, I choose to walk each day knowing that He has a purpose for me; He has a plan. I choose to say “not my will, but Yours be done.” 

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Gal 6:9

Although I cannot constantly see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am promised that the Lord will make me of use if I continue to seek Him and live courageously. Do not lose heart. The Latin root of courage is whole-hearted. 

Abba gives such life-giving opportunities every single day. If I allow myself to see them, I'm taking heart. I'm living courageously.

i surrender, i surrender, to You.

use me Lord, use me. 

Soil

This beautiful passage was written by a wonderful friend, Kelly Wells. A woman that has allowed God to transform and mold her in painful ways.

"The seeds were planted 18 months ago, and the Lord needed to churn the soil of my heart and provide fresh water in order to soften it. Then--and only then--could I recieve the seeds that I am designed to grow.

 

My soil is different from my neighbor's garden. While I may be preparing for oranges, the woman on my right may be getting ready for peaches. While my soil may be soaking in water and the seed grow under ground where no one can see, the garden from the woman on my left may already be sprouting greens. And when I look at the garden across from me, she has been cultivating longer than I so the Lord uses her beautiful blossoms as a visual encouragement to me--that someday I may be where she has patiently and faithfully waited to arrive.

 

We each have an individual garden, and our fruit and season of that gardening is incomparable to our neighbors'. Yet the Gardener sees the value and purpose in EACH ONE; He understands the season of the individual and puts the correct ingredients to specifically help each soil where SHE is at. He sees the beautiful potential in each fruit, and the different nutrients that fruit will bear to the ones who eat it.

 

I must therefore trust the Gardener...trust the amount of rain He provides and the time spent churning the soil. For He knows the fruit I am meant to bear."

watch me

resilience

resilience

the ability to grow in difficult circumstances.
I love this word. I heard that every experience has the power to create an opportunity to grow: YOU decide whether to let it happen to you, or to take from it. 

As a Christ-follower, we are called to live each day in a state of resilience. The book of James takes on a whole new meaning when I experience pain of any sort. (read it) Choose joy? Even when life seems unbearable?
But I believe its deeper than a joyful state of mind. Joy is more than forced smiles and the false illusion that I need to hold things together. Joy is the decision to experience trial and CHOOSE to trust in a hope that extends far beyond the immediate pain. A hope that is promised even in the Old Testament.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. And when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me." 

And this hope never changes, this promise never ceases because our God is consistent.

I spent a long time studying the book of James in order to learn what putting hope in the Lord meant. I still have not mastered it, and I still struggle with actually putting hope in the Lord. If i'm honest with myself, I have spent years putting my hope in other things, whether it be relationships, joys, awards, or even school. 

God promises to do infinitely more than i could ask or imagine. He has plans for me, you, specifically. I was not created to live in the shadow of a good man. Granted, someday I hope to share my life with a good man, but i need to stand alone as a good woman first. When i say "good", i mean a woman in a "constant state of God-transformation good." 

Theres this cheesy broadway song called "watch me soar," it would be my dream to sing it on an open stage. The message is powerful. "I'm not the young girl you once knew. I'm now a woman standing in front of you." "You've given me love, you've given me trials, I've given you tears, I've given my heart for so many years. Now its my time to soar."

God ultimately is that catalyst to freedom and the ability to soar. the excitement of new possibilities. He is the provider of a hope that endures....

A hope that all things, all pain, can be redeemed and put to use. If I take the time to look at my own life, I would not have the passions I have, or the desire to serve the Lord had I not been through a pit of hell. God has transformed that area of my life. Through that transformation, I can offer grace and receive peace from a situation that 4 years ago was void of both. 


I'm kicking myself by having a "prove it" conversation with Abba about His role as the true and only healer. In past relationships, pain has been eased by the presence of another relationship better suited to me. This time I have been asking God to be the source of healing, void of shortcuts. 


I do this becasue I want to be able to boldly proclaim that the Lord is the only reason my heart is full. I'm not there yet, but I desperately want to be. I am tired of hurting. I am weary. But if I am going to share that He does offer restoration, I want to confidently experience it. 


"You see all my pain, and cry over it for hours until I'm new again. You make me new." 


The promise of being new allows me to be resilient. well, for today.