Tuesday, September 27, 2011

strength in vulnerability

vulnerability. 
being vulnerable has negative connotations. 
i have heard it described as admitted weakness. 
and considering its definition, it does not sound appealing.
adj.: susceptible to attack.
however, i have come to believe the ability to be raw and vulnerable has brought strength into my character. 
“what made her vulnerable made her beautiful.”
“Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and the struggle for worthiness; but it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.” -Brene Brown
My personal story is ridden with shame and my struggle with worthiness. And oh do I struggle. There are days when it takes every ounce of pretended courage to walk through my day. History has proved to be both my enemy and my hope. There is fear. Fear that once I am truly seen, I will be abandoned, I will be rejected. 
but the glory of Abba is shown within that.
innate in me is my desire for connection; to understand and be understood. Abba is a God of relationship. He not only wants relationship with us, but wants us in relationship with each other. 
in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be really seen. 
“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity.” Psalm 133:1 
in order for me to receive grace from Abba and from those around me, I must take the courage to share my fear, shame and struggles. 
i shared in previous writing that the latin root of courage is whole-hearted. there is courage in whole-heartedly confronting the insecurities and pain in my life. there is also courage in sharing those with the Lord and sharing those with my trusted community. there is courage in my ability to accept my imperfections-as there are many-and allowing myself to be loved in light of those. 
brief story. those of you that knew me in high school would have seen me as having my life together. I was playing volleyball, taking various AP classes, in student government, involved in my church, and mentoring young women. Yet I was filled with a desire to prove that despite my broken heart, I could keep it all together. In addition, if i convinced those around me that I had it together, I would eventually convince myself. Thus, very few people knew my heart. I was fake with others. I lacked the courage to share my struggles with other. Pride became my best friend. 
Over the course of the last 5 years, the Lord has transformed my life. He is in the process of setting a new table out of my overturned one. 
While in Africa, we had the opportunity as a team to write encouragements to each other. The responses of my teammates has brought humble tears to my eyes even months after the trips completion. Words describing me were: genuine, real, sincere. (man-hating was also on there...but thankfully that was a joke.) this is in direct opposition to my “old self.” the ONLY explanation for that praise was because the Lord TRANSFORMED my heart. there is literally no other explanation. 
this is not to bring about self praise, it is merely to shout out the praise of Abba. He does what seems impossible. In my brokenness, He is given praise and credit. Despite my imperfections, His beauty shines in allowing Him and others into my heart. And even though I feel my imperfections may push others away, there is a closeness that is shared when my heart is made known. I no longer carry burdens alone. 
“connection is a result of authenticity.” 
yes. being vulnerable does make me susceptible for attack. but I am never alone. my community, my God, carries me. 
in my vulnerability, there is strength. 

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