worth less.

worthless. insignificant. 

these are words i have struggled to fight for years. 

despite the constant affirmation from my loving dad, and family around me, my teen years onward have been marked by my desire to "prove myself."

I remember being told, during formative years in high school, "you're worthless." Those words constantly burned in my mind. That remark stung. That sting became and ache. And that ache became my Achilles heal. My tender spot. I cried for hours, and frequently cried myself to sleep. I spent years devoted to an "I'll show you" mentality. I resonated with songs like KT Tunstall's "If Only." 

if only you could see me now

if only you could hear me out

I hid behind a facade of projected perfection-keeping people an arm's length away and only showing my pretended strength. It brought on emotional isolation, and with it came attack. 

I look back and note that it was years of bondage to my perception of not measuring up to what people thought. It is a painful and vicious cycle. and leaves you empty and alone. 

Whether words of insignificance were spoken bluntly, "you're worthless," or hidden in an unintentional blow, "you're not the best fit," I took on the burden. 

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

Matthew 11:28-30

This is truth.

So regardless of feeling I do not measure up, I am not "enough", Abba promises rest. And fights for my honor. 

Then I am reminded:

What determines my worth? Granted, this "should" be a relatively easy question to answer. But I am dropping my "should's" and living in reality. Where am I placing all my effort to please? 

I have spent years....years...trying to prove to men, and people in general, that I am "worth it." It is a false shelter. 

Why?

Because that is where I let my deep ache be comforted. I have literally been putting a band aid on a gaping wound. And as I gave more of my heart in order to scrounge for more comfort and security, my wound kept tearing open, ultimately leaving me

face down 

on the ground

by myself

in desperate need of a comforter. 

So I let Abba into that space. Into that wound. 

i am worthless

i am not the best fit

i will not amount to anything

lies. 

How dare i let others hinder the Lord's power in me?

I want to channel Rosie the Riveter, living boldly and counter culturally. 

I want to exude peace. (less like Rosie, and more like my sister)

I want to instill worth ...because I can do it. I will. 

Each child (we are all His children) has worth. No one can take that away from you, although some will try. 

When my worth is safely placed in Abba, I protect myself from giving others the ability to immobilize me. 

Finding my worth in the Lord has been this ongoing process of surrendering and submitting to the One that made me, that knows what makes me laugh, that knows what makes me cry. It is a process of painful transformation, but transformation nonetheless. It is the process of allowing myself to trust in His enduring hope and allowing that to guide my feet, and not allowing others to determine where I should go. I see this slow transformation when i find contentment in seeking His will. 

"It is more than enough to know I am loved. You are good." -Nichole Nordman

The God that created creation, chooses to sit with me in the dark moments of my life. I am worth it. 

The God of power chooses to offer reminders of His hope just for me. I am worth it. 

The God that knows all chooses to reveal His promises and His word to me with impeccable timing. I am worth it. 

I was so unique 

Now I feel skin deep 

I count on the make-up to cover it all 

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention 

I thought I could be strong 

But it's killing me 

Does someone hear my cry? 

I'm dying for new life 

I want to be beautiful 

Make you stand in awe 

Look inside my heart, 

and be amazed 

I want to hear you say 

Who I am is quite enough 

Just want to be worthy of love 

And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me 

Fighting to make the mirror happy 

Trying to find whatever is missing 

Won't you help me back to glory 

You make me beautiful 

You make me stand in awe 

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed 

I love to hear You say 

Who I am is quite enough 

You make me worthy of love and beautiful