worth less.

worthless. insignificant. 

these are words i have struggled to fight for years. 

despite the constant affirmation from my loving dad, and family around me, my teen years onward have been marked by my desire to "prove myself."

I remember being told, during formative years in high school, "you're worthless." Those words constantly burned in my mind. That remark stung. That sting became and ache. And that ache became my Achilles heal. My tender spot. I cried for hours, and frequently cried myself to sleep. I spent years devoted to an "I'll show you" mentality. I resonated with songs like KT Tunstall's "If Only." 

if only you could see me now

if only you could hear me out

I hid behind a facade of projected perfection-keeping people an arm's length away and only showing my pretended strength. It brought on emotional isolation, and with it came attack. 

I look back and note that it was years of bondage to my perception of not measuring up to what people thought. It is a painful and vicious cycle. and leaves you empty and alone. 

Whether words of insignificance were spoken bluntly, "you're worthless," or hidden in an unintentional blow, "you're not the best fit," I took on the burden. 

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

Matthew 11:28-30

This is truth.

So regardless of feeling I do not measure up, I am not "enough", Abba promises rest. And fights for my honor. 

Then I am reminded:

What determines my worth? Granted, this "should" be a relatively easy question to answer. But I am dropping my "should's" and living in reality. Where am I placing all my effort to please? 

I have spent years....years...trying to prove to men, and people in general, that I am "worth it." It is a false shelter. 

Why?

Because that is where I let my deep ache be comforted. I have literally been putting a band aid on a gaping wound. And as I gave more of my heart in order to scrounge for more comfort and security, my wound kept tearing open, ultimately leaving me

face down 

on the ground

by myself

in desperate need of a comforter. 

So I let Abba into that space. Into that wound. 

i am worthless

i am not the best fit

i will not amount to anything

lies. 

How dare i let others hinder the Lord's power in me?

I want to channel Rosie the Riveter, living boldly and counter culturally. 

I want to exude peace. (less like Rosie, and more like my sister)

I want to instill worth ...because I can do it. I will. 

Each child (we are all His children) has worth. No one can take that away from you, although some will try. 

When my worth is safely placed in Abba, I protect myself from giving others the ability to immobilize me. 

Finding my worth in the Lord has been this ongoing process of surrendering and submitting to the One that made me, that knows what makes me laugh, that knows what makes me cry. It is a process of painful transformation, but transformation nonetheless. It is the process of allowing myself to trust in His enduring hope and allowing that to guide my feet, and not allowing others to determine where I should go. I see this slow transformation when i find contentment in seeking His will. 

"It is more than enough to know I am loved. You are good." -Nichole Nordman

The God that created creation, chooses to sit with me in the dark moments of my life. I am worth it. 

The God of power chooses to offer reminders of His hope just for me. I am worth it. 

The God that knows all chooses to reveal His promises and His word to me with impeccable timing. I am worth it. 

I was so unique 

Now I feel skin deep 

I count on the make-up to cover it all 

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention 

I thought I could be strong 

But it's killing me 

Does someone hear my cry? 

I'm dying for new life 

I want to be beautiful 

Make you stand in awe 

Look inside my heart, 

and be amazed 

I want to hear you say 

Who I am is quite enough 

Just want to be worthy of love 

And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me 

Fighting to make the mirror happy 

Trying to find whatever is missing 

Won't you help me back to glory 

You make me beautiful 

You make me stand in awe 

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed 

I love to hear You say 

Who I am is quite enough 

You make me worthy of love and beautiful 

Your will be done

Update #2

"Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."
I Corinthians 12:27

The conference has been completed today. After months of preparation
and a week of application, we can breathe.

Just to offer some specifics, the issues discussed were: child rights,
gender-based violence issues, education, and property grabbing. Legal
and counseling aid and information was all tailored to those specific
topics. On the final day, it was planned to offer individual
counseling opportunities. The Malawian Human Rights Resource Center,
local police, Victim Support Unit and the Village Heads and Chiefs all
collaborated to take the conference from being an idea to a reality.
Those resources, as well as hundreds of adults and youth from the
village were present.

I wish I had the opportunity to sit and share the joy in the
experience, but I will do my best to communicate.

The goal, as mentioned before, was to provide sustainable means of
informing the village of their rights and offering them aid to meet
those needs. As, an American team, have no means of staying
indefinitely, it seemed lofty. However, the Lord does far more than we
could hope for or imagine.

As we have spent time living and walking with the local African Bible
College students, our awareness of God's kingdom only extended. This
group of students, initially asked to be translators, became the
bearers of truth in the conference. Our team was able to observe
transformational empowerment firsthand. These students, at first timid
and slightly apprehensive about their role, have become
justice-offering forces. The most exciting part is that these students
will continue to visit the village every Friday in order to empower
the locals in hopes to maintain an encouraging relationship.




My counterpart is a wonderful man named Timothy, more commonly known as "Peaceman," because he offers God's peace in all situations. As the counseling piece progressed, it became evident that the men and women be split in order to tailor the info to fit each group. I, a young, single, American woman, could not give the Domestic violence cycle and male affirmation to hundreds of Malawian men. Peaceman steeped up. He not only tackled the cycle, but also shared coping strategies, conflict resolution and safety strategies. Although I could only observe from afar, his passion and charisma echoed. I do not believe I have ever been so proud of anyone.

In summary, the conference was supported and praised by those that
attended and seemed to spark communication between the people in the
village. Individuals were reminded of their worth, and lasting
relationships were established.


I want to leave you with a story. A young man stood up and asked a question on behalf of a young woman in the school. He said, "Girls in the village ar scared to go to school because teachers are sexual with them. What do we do?"


This story is often true. These girls are then ripped of their education and never given the opportunity to embrace their skills and worth.


So we, I, will continue to work to fight this.



"I would have lost heart had I not believed I would see the goodness
of the Lord in the land of the living. Be strong, take heart, and wait
on the Lord."
Psalm 23

the drop

the drop

“The most sustainable means of justice is a small drop of water; causing a ripple and creating a wave.”

This small drop has been transformed from a human rights conference to an even more sustainable avenue: Malawian youth.

Many organizations have partnered to bring about the conference: A team of 13 of us, all trained in specific skill sets; a team of 19 Malawian university students-all eager to administer social justice; a couple within the Peace Corps (who happened to be placed in Malawi and members of the Flood); the Malawian Human Rights Resource Commission; and Flood Church. It was humbling to be able to sit in the room of a highly respected organization and discuss human rights with some of the most learned minds I have ever been exposed to. The most exciting part is, somehow, all of the minds involved are passionate about justice because of a deep-rooted love of the Lord and a longing to bring what is right.

As we have been meeting with students in University in Lilongwe, we have started to realize that these students, at first asked to be translators, are going to continue to be the ambassadors of change and justice. The goal of all of the organizations involved was sustainable means of bringing social change and social justice. We have shifted our focus and are now focusing most of our energy on empowering the youth students. These students will be returning to the village every Friday to offer support, guidance, and education to those within it, so training them on the skills is imperative.

So this is what is going on:

The conference planning has quickly become a space for partnership based on the foundation of doing what is best for the people. I have been sharpened by others and have seen the excitement of bringing great minds and big hearts together. God works in incredible ways. The conference begins Friday (PRAY!) and we have spent the past few days in training and are slowly piecing together the most effective way to offer education. We have one more full day of training to go in which we are setting up the schedule of events. When I say we, I mean, our small team, the Malawian youth (19 University students), George (brilliant sweet man with kind eyes), Sean (Flood Malawi Pastor), Tom (Another Flood pastor), and the MHRRC.  It has been powerful to partner all sorts of knowledge and see the passion rise within the eyes of the students.

The conference will begin with training the local village leaders (including the Chief, the TA, several government members, local law enforcement, counselors, etc.), which will be about 100 people. The training will be a bit more intensive and the US team has been asked to remain the point people for the lecture pieces. (the students didn’t feel quite comfortable with that)

The second part of the conference will be held for possibly over 500 people. We are prepared, and hoping, to empower the students to take ownership of the conference and teach wherever their passions lie. However, the students are concerned it will have more of a jump start coming from the US team. (we are working it out).

It has been overwhelming to see prayers answered. At first I was hesitant to be a part of this trip because I was not sure how sustainable the goal would be. Yet, seeing God work in the midst of all of this has been life-changing. I am reminded at how small my life is, and how unimportant I am, yet how dearly He loves me and has given me my passion for life and justice. He is molding in a direction I am completely unclear of. God HAS been affirming my direction of therapy! Praise the Lord!

Current prayers: Personally, sleep has been plagued by nightmares and painful reminders of things I want to steer clear of. It could be due to my medicine, but my very being needs rest. I also want to tangibly serve my team, so pray I find avenues to do so. (I am not as intuitive as you would believe.)

For the conference: Fuel is scarce, almost impossible to find. If we do not have fuel, we have no conference. Pray the Lord provides the fuel to send us. Also, pray that the teams continue to strive toward the goal of empowering and serving, both the US and Malawian teams.

I love you all.

Fun Note! We attended a traditional Malawian wedding! We danced for hours and threw money at the bride. (its tradition). We are celebrating Malawian independence day tomorrow after a wonderful 4^th of July!

life is worth living when you live in community. 

and so it begins...

the trip has officially started. granted, many of our team members have been mentally prepared for months. I, however, am now joining the bandwagon. as i sat in prayer and preparation on the flight to DC, a flood of emotion swept in. im going to africa. IM going to africa. He led me here, and although i feel unprepared and insufficient, in obedience i acted, so in obedience i will serve. regardless of what may come. i voiced to danielle that i felt like a child who is being given a big hug from a loving father, but i have been unwilling to give into the softness of his arms, so my rigid stubbornness keeps me from ultimate surrender. but im working on it...

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he RESTORES my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."
Psalm 23: 2-3

this is my hope and prayer. i long to see His restoration. whether in myself, or within those around me. i firmly believe that our very being longs to see restoration and reconciliation because it its God's fingerprint on our lives. However, because our world is not His perfect kingdom, we wait in anticipation for ultimate restoration to occur.

Casey gave me a book that a profound quote within it that sustained me for a while. "the most difficult time is the time between God's promises and their fulfillment." it is in those times that i am called to praise, regardless of how difficult it may be. we wait for restoration.

i believe this to be the theme of the trip for me. I am longing to see pictures of His kingdom, through the empowerment and encouragement of His people, both within our US team and within the Malawian community...all the while remembering:

"for it is God who works IN YOU to will and to act according to his good purpose."
Philippians 2:13

i believe we are fully open to that, because most of us are shattered glass, waiting to be refined.